(8)

 Dear mother, 

I miss you amidst all the crowd, all the meaningful conversations, all the sorrows, panic, joys and happiness and you know it. Today Shilpita di posted a status on WhatsApp with Saheli di with the caption "My one and only adopted child". I have seen them together. I have seen them as couples, as friends, as acquaintances, I have seen the depth of the caption in them long before. 

The caption brought such joy to my heart. And sadness too. I am so happy to know that what I have craved for, all my life, each day, does exist in the universe. Maybe not for me, maybe for someone else, but it does. And I think it is enough reason to be hopeful, in life, not for myself but for all the children who have longed to be loved, to be cared for, to be protected, to feel the warmth. 

I promise I will be a person who will carry all the warmth to any child who needs it. I will break the cycle.

And, I will wait for you, beyond this life. 

Yours truly, 

 

2018 mothers day post

 Mother's Day. 

The days have become very busy for me now; I no more want to hear stories at night; I no more need you to put a blanket on me when I am asleep. (But the pillows feel harder, I miss a lap to sleep on.)

 I have learnt to walk around the cluster of unknown people, to find ways in darkness, to count stars, to walk in thunder, to picture a rainbow, to present myself sophistically, I have also learnt to care for myself partly.

I have learnt a lot of things. 

Yes, I did; 

But, 

I did not learn to not let go of silly things, I did not learn to walk away from the falling trees, to patiently work on the broken bridges, to strengthen the sword, to use a shield, I still haven't learnt to sleep in lights, to bark in darkness, to crawl on trunks and to keep my eyes open in sun, I still haven't learnt to have an ice cream without dropping a part of it. 

You are missed, mom. 

You are badly missed in the things I haven't yet learnt, which make me sad almost every day. 

You are missed, in every slice of the extra happiness in my life. 

You are missed, in every difficult way which makes me turn back.You are missed in the crowd of audience cheering for the runners;you are missed in the losses I bear; 

you are missed in the celebration of my first view to the sky. 

You are missed. 

Trust me.

You are badly missed.

(7)

 I miss you

(6)

Dear mother,

Over the years I have tried to be so strong to supress or not think of your absence in life, but you know some days are particularly difficult. They don't have reasons to be the particular difficult days but they are. One such day is today. This afternoon to be precise. I've thought of you so intensely and missed having you in my life. I don't know if I'll ever meet anyone remotely as you in future, but if I do, why not now? Why can't I meet a version of you now? I feel my heart would pop out of my body and search you in the world. 

Ps - I'm covid positive, today is the 9th day. All the symptoms have nearly subsided and I'm so proud of myself to have dealt with this entirely myself. 

(5)

 Hi mom!

It's Christmas and I haven't felt sadder about the day ever. Today feels incomplete. Right now I'm sitting on my terrace and thinking of you. 

Christmas was so merry in school. I also noticed I go through post menstrual syndrome. The sadness could be very much for that as well. Nevertheless I guess there is a history of reasons for feeling sad on potentially happy festivals when you suffer from an inner void. Sometime I can't wait to see you. Everything feels like bubbles floating in the sky and I looking up to find you. 

I'm so glad I opened the blog. This just very vaguely gives me the hope that it can reach you. I wish you were here. I wish I were with you. In a better place. Where existence wouldn't feel trapped. 

Can't wait to meet. Till then, see you. Merry Christmas. 

(4)

Dear mother,

I'll be home soon,

I promise...

(3)

Dear mother, 

The intensity in which I miss you increases with every passing day. There are days I try to negotiate with the feeling, while some days I just let myself feel it. It's deeply painful, but I don't mind. The absence is felt as much, as the presence would have been, had you been existing. And how much I wish that you did.

I find myself extremely tired whenever I go to college, I sleep at a stretch for more than 12 hours, waking up very lazy in the morning. The emotional and the basic survival struggles seem to be spilling up at times.  But everything would have been so fine if I could come back to you every day. You know I don't wish to skip realities, I don't wish to run away, I understand sufferings are inevitable in life.  I just wish you were here.

Sometimes it's so cold at night that even if I hold the blanket closest to me, it doesn't help much. I do put down fire very actively in the class group but can't really drag them at night to feel warm you know! Hehe! 

Also, I told you to meet me for a second and I'd make it a lifetime. I really don't think that's possible 😅 I'll break into pieces if I have to let you go once we meet. Every other day I come across new reasons why someone would not want to stay with me, but I'm sure with you I'd also find reasons why someone would want to. Can't wait to meet you, really. I wish I could flip the realities, I could make you exist, I could paint and talk to you.

I'm taking leave now, thank you for being on the other side of reality. I'll cherish you till the end, no matter what I see with open eyes, you'll always be with me when I close them. I exist in both worlds, equally. Because of course I can't escape the sufferings, the inevitability of life, neither can I let go of the world that has you. 

Yours lovingly,

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